Here's a semi-rant that has been simmering for a while. It has finally boiled over because of today's xkcd.

Why are there so many people that think they are exempt from the laws of human relationships? I am not talking about any particular religious or legal code, I only mean the law of cause and effect, which should be uncontroversial. The law of cause and effect that says things like, if you form a relationship with somebody, then it will end one day with heartbreak and tears.¹

Ever since moving here, we have known various people that have what they call "open" marriages or relationships, by which it is meant that one or both of them screws around. And recently, some of my friends have been invited to certain parties which they found to be populated by "swingers." We're all too Well Educated and Open Minded here to make moral judgments about anyone else's Alternative Lifestyle, of course, so it's just kind of an uncomfortable running joke. College students, of course, rationalize so much of this crap that Facebook includes an "It's Complicated" option along with the traditional "Single" and "Married" categories that you can list yourself under.

I didn't come to make moral assertions either—even if I felt qualified to do so, I'm not dumb enough to etch them into the internets for all time. I'm just saying that, myself, I am deeply skeptical of all "It's Complicated" arrangements. Open marriages I know about are pretty transparently founded on an imbalance of power between a high status partner and a lower status one, and nobody except the rationalizing partner is really fooled about who's using whom for what. I claim that all "It's Complicated" ever means is that somebody wants to obfuscate a relationship that can be explained in very simple words, because those simple words might be ugly. As is implied by the xkcd comic.

There doesn't necessarily have to be guilt involved: "I am cheating on my girlfriend" is "complicated," but so is "I am in love with somebody that is not in love with me." But whatever the explanation, "It's Complicated" means you are lying to yourself, and very likely somebody else. This ends in heartbreak and tears. You are not an exception. You have not invented some new kind of healthy relationship that has eluded the past billion or so generations. You will hurt somebody and it will end with heartbreak and tears.

° ° °

Ok, now that that's settled, here I am at the Google prom Friday night. It was, in fact, a good time, so I will stop claiming that every Google event sucks. I think the difference is about 25% because the party was better, and 75% because of having a real date. (Oh yeah, the Google prom is actually the "holiday party," but calling it the Google prom gives you a more accurate idea of what it is like.) So Megan, I hope you wanted to be Internet famous, because here you are. Everyone, this is Megan. No, she's not my girlfriend, back off. It's complicated.

¹ Including if you get married, even successfully. Everyone you love will reject you or die. But that's not really my point today.

10 Dec 2007 03:56 PT - persistent link - trackback - 9 comments